# How to Apologize

A sincere apology starts by understanding the harm, then taking responsibility before explaining your perspective and making a concrete commitment to change.

Canonical URL: https://jdjuan.io/apology
Author: Juan Herrera
Published: 2026-08-23
Category: Communication

## Step 1: Understand

2. You can't apologize without first understanding **the impact of your actions**.
3. And for that you need to **listen actively to your counterpart**. Ask questions such as: _"What went through your head"_, _"What did you feel in that moment"_ etc.
4. Once you think you understand, say it back to them (paraphrase it), not just cognitively, but **also emotionally**.
5. If they reply with something like: _"Yes, but also this...and also that"_. Then you don't have the full picture yet. Keep listening and paraphrasing.
6. When they reply with something like _"Exactly"_. Then that's your confirmation to go to the next step.

## Step 2: Apologize

1. Apologizing is simple: _"I'm sorry I \_\_\_\_ you"_.
2. But we almost always mess it up either by **not really taking responsibility**: _"I'm sorry **you** feel that way"_
3. Or **by defending ourselves**: _"I'm sorry...**but** that was not my **intention**"_
4. Clarifying that you didn't have **bad intentions** is important, just **not yet!**
5. Apologizing is about **showing remorse** and **taking responsibility**, not about **explaining** what was going on in your head at that time (that's step #3).
6. After you apologize, stop. **Don't say another word.** Your apology is exactly they wanted to hear all along, so let them hear it and process it. Don’t rush to fill the silence
7. If they think you truly **understood the impact** of your actions (step #1), and that you **actually regret it**, they are not only very likely to **accept your apology** but also to feel **relieved**.
8. Because a good apology makes the other feel **seen**, **respected**, and **valuable**, and allows them to **trust you** again.

## Step 3: Explain

1. Now is the time to explain what happened in your head, but **not as a way to excuse yourself** (that'd immediately undo your apology), but as a way **to help them understand why you acted the way you did**.
2. Just make sure to ask for permission first: _"Can I tell you what happened in my head and why I acted that way?"_
3. Regardless of how you explain it, emphasize over and over you are not evading the responsibility of your actions: _"The reason I acted that way was because...still, what I did was wrong, and that doesn't excuse my behavior"_
4. This will give them the opportunity to **understand you as well**, and make room for forgiveness.
5. Finally, commit to never make that mistake again. Not with a shallow: _"I'll never do it again"_ but with **concrete actions**.
6. The more concrete the better. It shows the other person you really care about them.

| _Ultimately, apologizing is about helping two people understand each other better_